after the storm

Girl. 18. Australian Au Pair in Germany. I sing and play guitar. I take selflies. I like drawing, writing, cooking and other expressive things.
The term gap year is stupid. Where’s the gap? I suppose according to definition, intent and purpose I’m having a gap year but I plan on spending every year of my life like this, meaning I will do what I need to do which just happens to be what I want to do. OH MY GOD WHY DID I DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE I CAN’T SLEEP

To be my only source of influence…

… however to be open to all of what the world has to offer.

Be it food, opportunity, love, acceptance, praise, criticism, people. All of everything. To see it all in equal light.

And to take only what I need. 

It’s all lovely and everything to be body positive about everyone, but it’s not fixing the problem.

It reinforces what your body looks like MATTERs. But it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. We want everyone to love themselves so they feel better, have good self esteem and that shit. However instead of broadening the perception of beauty, I think it would be more efficient to focus on why our bodies need to be beautiful anyway. Shouldn’t it be possible to have good self esteem without a beautiful body?

It’s hard to listen to yourself and not follow the influences of our culture. Most of us have been doing it our whole lives. However, there are ways to undo it.

It’s impossible to ignore them unless you live under a rock. So don’t ignore them: be aware of them. Awareness is so powerful. 

I’m on a deep journey of learning to listen to myself: I treated my body and food the same way as many other things in my life, so getting to the root of my own issues has affected everything. Being aware has meant little effort to solve my issues, healing is constant. Our bodies and minds want to heal, whether it be from negative influences or eating disorders of any kind.

I can’t even pinpoint the time when food became my only joy.

But I am glad to say I now realise it happened. 

When I eat for hunger, the food does not sit in my stomach the way it does when I eat for my feelings. 

Even when they overlap, meaning I am hungry but the food is serving my mind, not my stomach, the food still sits in my stomach. 

I am trying not to eat emotionally. I only just realised, every time I was eating was only for my emotions. I forgot about the other things in life that can make us happy…

Cover of Laura Marling’s Pray For Me

Motivation that comes from outside of you will not last. Every picture you see, all the words you hear. They are not efficient motivation.

When people told me how much weight I’d lost, I removed myself from it. I didn’t know why, but I’m glad I did. Because now I’ve gained a couple kilos, I don’t feel like I’ve let anyone down. 

But I lost all that weight because of motivation that came from outside of me. Without the efficient mental work, I will not recover.

This body, is my body, it’s my business. Happiness begins on the inside, I finally know what that means.